Zoophiliology

My long-standing obsession with the natural world of fauna is a well-established character trait. I had always planned on being a zoologist before finding my true calling, and to this day I like nothing more than learning about animals and, in turn, educating others about them. This might be something of a grind for people who are around me for extended periods of time (not unlike the Mrs.) who have to put up with diatribes of "Did you know chimpanzees have a 'word' for leopard?" and "The velvet ant isn't actually an ant, but a wingless wasp. The males have wings, but only the females are capable of delivering a powerful sting,".

This is currently, without question, the cutest and fuzziest wasp known to man.

I mean... damn. Who could put up with that? Not many. That's why I've been personally petitioning the Vatican to promote the Mrs. to sainthood. They keep saying things about "miracles"... and about how you have to be "dead first"... I think I'm just going to take a little sojourn down to the old Biggest Smallest Country in the World and spend the day with the friggin' Pope. THEN we'll see who sacrosanct, eh? Eh, Benedict? EH?!?

In the meantime, my smaller half is just going to have to tolerate my giddiness when we take trips to places like the Museum of Natural History, which is what we did today.

I love these things. I don't know if I like zoos or natural history museums best, I just can't decide. They both have their merits. Zoos focus solely on fauna, while Natural History museums cover all forms of natural... history, from cultures to animals to scientific phenomena. However, the flagship of the NHM is the "diorama," which serves to show stuffed, preserved animals in fabricated replicas of their natural environments, while in zoos you get to see the actual prancing, leaping, mostly-sleeping beast in the flesh. Like I say, they both have their advantages, and I would be loathe to have to choose, suffice to say that I supremely enjoy giving both institutions my patronage.


The Natural History Museum of Los Angeles County (phew), and its subsequent neighboring attractions in Exposition Park, constituted an awesome day. The Museum itself was a ton of fun, comprising multiple tasteful and interesting diaoramas, an insect zoo (which was a nice treat since I wasn't really expecting to see anything living there), a terrific place for kids to play in called the Discovery Zone (which alone, periferally and encompassingly, puts the entire Center to shame)which I enjoyed probably more than a man my age should, obligatory and fantastic dinosaur features, and an interesting special exhibit about the collapse of civilizations (which, while neat, was seemingly purported to be a hell of a lot more than it actually turned out to be).


One permanent walkthrough displayed fossils primarily from the Cenozoic period, which was basically an exhibit of how modern animals had developed from their prehistoric ancestors. It showed, in fossils of advancing development, how a small, doglike mammal becomes a horse, how tiny, hornless beasts eventually become rhinoverouses, and various other really fascinating examples of prehistoric, non-dinosaur life that I think are absolutely fascinating, giant lizards or no (after the fossils, we went through the dinosaur area. AWESOME!). The image above, for example, is an example of a giant bird of the Cenozoic period, and you can see just how daunting (read: fucking terrifying) coming across something like this is in the plains of ancient North America might be. Beware this ancient beast, young ones. Beware the beast that bears the name: The Terror Bird.

So... I guess there was a giant bird that we now call The Terror Bird. Is the point.

After the Museum, we hopped across the park to see the IMAX 3D Movie: WILD SAFAR 3D!!! You'd think after working at the Center, the Mrs. and I would be burned-out on the concept of the 3D movie, but it was actually pretty neat. You ride in a jeep across southern africa, looking for these creatures rather than just having them shown to you, and you get a real sense of the majesty of Africa. Not "kill the Tutsi" Africa, but "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" Africa. Mostly majesty, not so much genocide. It was a really cool movie.

We still had an hour or so before most of the attractions shut down and, since we exited the wrong way out of the ding dang theater and, since admission is free (!) we then paid a visit to the California Science Center's 3rd floor (their super-cool "floating" exhibit gallery, which puts the Old Center, floating gallery and all, to pitiful, dishonorable shame) which currently has an exhibit called Magic: The Science of Illusion!

But I want to learn about Werewolv....

BOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Yeah, Magic is sweet. The whole thing is cool, the floor is broken up into an outer ring where you can walk around and see four magic tricks performed, then you can go "behind the scenes," to the inner area of the floor, where all the magic is explained, the scientific concepts behind the tricks are all mapped out in different interactive exhibits for the kids to play with, it's all really awesome. My favorite part, though, is the section hosted by Max Maven. Despite an APALLINGLY poorly-designed web page (you'd think the man would be able to do better) Max distinguishes himself from other magicians by looking absolutely sorcerous.


Jesus. Christ. Max is a phenomenal mentalist, nit your everyday magician, and indeed one of a quickly-disappearing breed (pun intended). Rather than tricks and illusions, Max specializes in mind-reading, suggestion, interactive puzzles and thought manipulation, all in a wonderfully droll and sarcastic delivery. Psychology over matter. Really, really cool guy.

But Jesus God look at him! I've got nothing against Lance Burton or David Copperfield, but if those guys were in the 15th century they'd be shoveling shit and not getting paid for it. Max Maven would be placing spells upon people and brewing mind-control potions in a deep, dark dungeon with a stuffed crocodile hanging from the ceiling an a pet raven named Mortimer. He'd wear a conical hat! With stars and cresent moooooons!

Max Maven's the shit, guys, is what I'm saying.

Then I got really tired, as I've been trying to get my schedule back on track since I've effectively turned nocturnal. We went shopping, got a pizza, and came back here for a well-deserve'd nap. I woke up at about 3 and haven't been back to sleep yet. Shit. So much for that plan.

It was a really fantastic fucking day. I'm only glad we had the chance to do it together, because I don't think I ever would have bothered on my own (all that driving and parking... blegh). Thank you, The Mrs. Thank you for making me get off my lazy ass.

And, as always, Goodbye from all of us here in Lazy-Ass, Dead Language Land.

Which I say... every time... I stop writing.

Which... is now.

...

Goodbye.

The tagline also helps to let me know when I've stopped being incurably incorigible! Awh haw haw!