A Star, a star...

Continuing our tradition of fine programming here on Dead Language, I'd like to present you with a recently submitted pilot. Ladies and Gentlemen, please enjoy our first installment of...




Hey guys and welcome to Which Animals Look the Most Like Gizmo?, where we ask the question...

Well, that's the question.

We wanted to know, with all the variety of life in God's great, googly biology, which of these wacky creations look the most like that adorable little mogwai from the classic film Gremlins.




Clearly this little bastard is unconscionably adorable, and it falls to us to weed out real-life animals that might bear enough of a resemblance to warrant keeping as a pet. The demand for domesticated mogwais after the 1984 release of the film increased by almost 1800% and, being that the critters are imaginary, a suitable replacement must be found that is both a) as adorable and b) housebroken.

Now. 23 years later.

So, without further ado, let's assess some candidates!

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Our first hopeful has already made the rounds on plenty of Lolcat sites and mom-emails. Please welcome...

That Scottish Fold Kitten!

He's already seen a lot of traffic on the tubes, and the basic recognition will go a long way toward simulating the familiarity we all have with Gizmo himself. Let's see if this helps his score!

Adorability: The scottish fold stands out as one of the cutest of the cat breeds, with its large beckoning eyes and its trademark floppy ears, distinctive among felines. Why the Scots felt it necessary to breed cats with limp ears is beyond me, but it does wonders for the animal's cuteness. Kittens are, of course, cuter than full grown cats (obeying the natural law of babies being exponentially cuter than their adult counterparts) and this little guy will eventually grow into a slightly uglier version of itself, but in the meantime we are left to bask in its cuddliness.

Resemblance: The face is good, and the coloration is not too far off. I would like to see more dark brown. In addition to this, he seems to be inquisitive about his surroundings, inspecting a nearby potted plant, reflecting Gizmo's own curious nature. However this, too, will fade with age, as will his relative sweetness until, most likely, you'll be left with a fat loaf of a cat with floppy ears and a mean temper.

Gizmodom: While soliciting a similar initial response of "OH MY GOD LOOK AT IT," as it ages this animal will seem not so much like the friendly creature from the film and more like every other lazy cat you've ever met, with nothing to show for itself other than a few early pictures of leaf-exploration and the faint smell of cat urine.

5 out of 10

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Good effort, little guy! Perhaps our next contestant will have more luck. Boys and Girls...

The Albino Pekingese!

It's small, its furry, and its being photographed on your grandma's throw! It seems to already have a strategy to win!

Adorability: Its stature is its strong point. Being a small dog, it already summons up sounds like "Awww" and "Awwwwwww" from sight alone. It's face, permanently frozen in a chummy smile, says, "Why hello! I would love to be your friend!" That being said, these little shits can get real mean, as in their upbringing most dog owners do not have the capacity to properly beat a tiny dog into the snuggly, submissive state necessary to offset the breeds natural tendency to yap, snap, and make on the rug.

Resemblance: We're going in the right direction here. Flat face? Check. Flesh-colored muzzle? Double check. Large ears that could presumably be shaved and starched out to the sides of the head? Lord yes. However, its albinism that grants it such a perfectly colored mouth area also detracts from its coat which, rather than the charming calico of Gizmo, is a haunting and ghostly white. Were this a contest for another 80s film animatronic character, this little guy would most definitely score higher.




Gizmodom: While superfluously similar, the creature's vacant stare and probable hideous personality take it out of the running as a real contender for the title. Rather, this monstrous little canine would most likely haunt the home of its residence with incessant yipping and would never once dance when played "Walking on Sunshine."

3 out of 10

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Whoa! Tough break for the mutant! Our next contestant is surely familiar to anyone who has frequented a movie theater in the last few decades. We present...

Yoda!

Yes, the wise old Jedi master has made his claim, and while the similarities may not be immediately evident, let's see what our judges think...


Adorability: Yoda has lot going for him. Small, facially expressive, and possessed of a wisdom from beyond the stars, you want to bundle him up and hold him in your arms, even as he fades from corporeal existence. His permanent grin and wiggly gait give him a transcendent koochy-koochy-ness that is hard to find in your average companion.

Resemblance: Bear with me here. Look at the flared ears. The flat and smiling muzzle. The kind eyes and pouty little mouth. Also, he can talk, a trait not encountered anywhere else on this roster, and that goes a long way. There's plenty of similarity here.

Gizmodom: Yoda looks exactly like a mogwai, if that mogwai were to mate with a crocodile, and their child was aged 800 years and mastered an ancient and powerful mysticism. Perhaps a younger member of Yoda's race might do better, but who's to say? After all, Yoda shares one of the most important and unfortunate characteristics of the common mogwai.

They aren't real.

6 out of 10

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Not bad for the Jedi Master! Finally, we think you'll be pleased with our last entry. Please enjoy...

The Tawny Frogmouth!

Adorability: Look at it! The stout stature, the engaged expression! Look at its squat little body and oversized mouth! The thing screams adorable! You want to hug it until it goes squeak! Maybe it will! Don't you want to know?! Don't you want to feel its downy, fur-like feathers against your chest?! Don't you want to keep it away from bright lights and adhere to a strange and badly-explained feeding schedule?!

Resemblance: As a bird, the Tawny Frogmouth has the chips stacked against it when compared to an obviously mammalian imaginary beast. However, its coat looks remarkably plush, its beak forms a fair similarity to Gizmo's nose and mouth, and I can't help thinking that the eyes for Gizmo's animatronic form were taken directly from the skull of one of these little dudes! That's a little gross, but come on! AWWWWW!

In addition, the Frogmouth is nocturnal, can sing (you like that, Albino Pekingese?), and reproduces by creating small round objects that eventually become more Tawny Frogmouths! If only they erupted from its back, we'd be set!

Gizmodom: While probably not all that Gizmo-like in nature, its appearance is indisputable and its inability to thwart your attempts to cuddle it make it an almost perfect substitute for a plush mogwai. As a pet, a bird might not be the best choice, but it will almost certainly never spawn a legion of hell-bent demons that will wreak havoc on your town and try to murder you with a chainsaw.

9 out of 10

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Congratulations, Tawny Frogmouth! You are, perhaps, the best member of nature's beastiary to wear the mantle of bearing a passing resemblance to a fake pet from a children's movie from a quarter of a century ago! Nicely done!

Until next time, folks... Bye Bye, Bill-y.