That's Not a Moon

There's been a lot of talk lately about the Large Hadron Collider. And by "talk," I mean, of course, people largely saying "Have you heard about the Large Hadron Collider?" Which is normally met with a "Yeah."

The subject is then abruptly dropped.




The Large Hadron Collider is essentially trying to reproduce the circumstances in which the creation of the universe might have happened. The Big Bang. There are some people who believe, to varying degrees of justification, that trying to reproduce the Big Bang under the Franco-Swiss border would be among those scientific experiments that fall under the category of "Sweet Fuck We're All Going to Blow the Hell Up."

Not that I agree with them. I don't. But if I'm wrong none of us will ever know it.

It's interesting, to say the least, that this thing is generation particle acceleration in cases up to 99.99% of the speed of light. Again: "Lord A' Mercy, Don't Do That Please The Explosions". All the things that seem to be situations we would want to be on the other side of the universe for, and at that still expecting a minor sunburn for the trouble, and it's happening next to Geneva.

There are theorists, largely crackpots and quacks, who think it's going to tear a hole into a dimension made entirely of jagged teeth that can only sate their hunger by the devouring of your most delicate genitals. They think that they could quite literally destroy the planet if they turn that thing on.

Again.

Yeah, they turned it on the 10th of September, 2008, and it failed the 12th. Why? The battery ran out.

Way to go guys.

What distresses me the most about the project, however, are not the potential biblical disasters or the Keystone Koppery of a few Swiss physicists. No. What distresses me the most is that this...




...which is supposed to be this symbol of our futuristic modern age, our superior technological capabilities, and our greater understanding of the inner workings of the universe looks suspiciously similar to this:




Suddenly, the prospect of this organization being able to destroy a planet like ours isn't that unthinkable. I watched the motherfuckers destroy Alderaan without blinking an eye, I don't think they'd have any problems notching a non-Core planet onto their belts. We're not even part of the Galactic Republic.

All I'm saying is that, as a species, we should try to keep things in perspective. Yes, there's a chance that the contraption could go critical and the world would pass through some kind of dimensional rift rendering us all 909 counterparts, rendering us unable to resist the allure of rattling gasoline-powered dirt-traversing machinations or women with bleached-to-the-point-of-poison-control-blonde hair named Trystin and Kayliene (and O what a hellish world those bastard would have wrought upon us were that to be our fate)...

But alternately we could all be under the unyielding and tyrannical governance of a clearly evil empire, whose main figureheads look, if anything, like the Ghost of Christmas future and the Ghost of Christmas Future from the future, who have no qualms about destroying your star system, slaughtering anyone you ever loved, and choking you to death from a hundred light-years away.

I think I'd rather buy a flatbill hat and move to Temecula.

But just barely.

Folks, we got Death Star.