Bitch, Grow Your Bangs Out!

...

BGYBO: Episode 16 Transcript

...

Hi everyone! It's time once again when we examine what is quite possibly the worst possible choice in hairstyle a woman can make in this day and age. Sure, there are many ill-advised coifs that can be strutted about the town to achieve whatever degree of reaction or attention one wishes to squeeze out of an unsuspecting and undeserving public, but none so insidious, none so wholly disturbing as... the too-short bangs! Unattractive, unnecessary, impractical, gross. Hopefully, throughout the course of our program, we'll be able to knock some sense into the zeitgeist of TYOOL 2008 and prevent this atrocity from spreading any further as we start a brand new year. And so, without further ado...




*raucous applause*

Our first subject today is, sadly, an entire organization. While certainly every member of this group isn't guilty of the over-cropped coiffure, they are nonetheless complicit in the proliferation of the 'do as something to be considered attractive, even desirous. In this, they are somehow more diabolical than the most casual bang-trimmer. Ladies and gentlemen...




*chiding and derision*

Looking at Les Dammes de JeKylliendo, I can't help but wonder exactly what it is that links them all together into one big classification. I mean, superfluously you could say "tattoos." You could say "piercings," right? You wouldn't be incorrect in saying "an aversion to the sun." But really, what these chicks are selling is this: It's sexy to look terrible. I'm not saying some of these girls aren't attractive, but it's a tragic, ruined attractiveness that you feel accomplished for having found under layers of foundation and stainless steel. It's the same problem with the entire rockabilly aesthete. It's a beauty you want to rescue, not admire, and that is the soul of this program. There is hope for you yet, Suicide Girls! Let your piercings heal over! Save up for laser tattoo removal! Stop slathering on the fleshtone! And, for God's sake...




*applause*

Now that we're underway, and now that some of our new viewers have something of an understanding of what we're trying to accomplish here, let me get a little more obscure. I recently watched an unreleased independent horror film that was written by the same person who starred in the leading role. Did she also direct the movie? Probably. I can't imagine she could have gotten the part any other way. I couldn't find out for sure, as I was far too distracted by this...




*hissing* *booing* *gagging sounds*

I won't say the name of the film, to spare the poor girl, but this raises a good point about the TSBs (Too-Short Bangs). Our research indicates that many of the women who perpetrate this haircut actually think they look good. And I don't necessarily mean they think the haircut looks good. I mean they consider themselves attractive. This, studio audience, is a notion we must strive to disavow them of at all costs. This haircut isn't doing this woman any favors. Look at the heavily shadowed eyes. The lumpy chin and the perfectly conical nose leading down to the exposed nostrils. The long, craning neck. None of this is superficially ghastly but, when paired with the TSBs, does it start to remind you of anyone? Anyone you may have seen in... perhaps... another horror film?...




*gasps*

"I know! I'll get the same haircut that fucking Frankenstein had! THAT WILL LOOK FUCKING FANTASTIC!"

Now I'm not trying to be mean. Far from it. I'm trying to help these people. In the interest of objectivity, I've taken the liberty of having our experts whip up a photo composite of what this person would look like... were she to grow out her bangs! BEHOLD:




*gasps again*... but of pleasant surprise... *

Look at that, will you? She's charming! And with barely an inch in additional bang-length. I mean, not much is going to help you with that Venturestein looking countenance, but at least now with a more reasonable hair-to-face ratio she has this endearing Amelie thing going for her. You want to possibly give her a hug and wish her well, rather than chase her up a windmill with a pitchfork. So, madam, in the light of the evidence presented, and your unflagging resemblance to canonical movie monsters, I urge you...




*applause*

Thank you. Now, finally, we come to our feature for the night. Every episode we like to spotlight one person who, through their "high profile" position of power or celebrity and their insistence in sporting an unforgivable hairstyle has served to propagate this heinous excuse for fashion we know as the plague that it is. Tonight, I personally present you with the bane of my televised existence...




*retching and fasting* *the crying of children*

Famous? Not necessarily. Yet, this maven of the modern mohawk has managed to manipulate her mangled mop onto prime-time. People who perhaps would like to watch a show about how interesting cakes are made are instead subjected to this outlandish and erroneous thatch. I'm not having it. In the course of my research, a regrettable portion of my position here as I am forced to engage with these denizens of the down for much longer than can possibly be recommended, I learned that this person's name is, without exaggeration, Mary Alice Fallon Yeskey.

The gorge rises at the thought.

Of course this person would have four names, and of course one of them would be "Fallon." Of course she would have an abrasive personality and be the "firecracker" of the bakery. Of. Course.

Yet another unfortunate aspect of this hairstyle is the personality it seems to force on those who choose, foolishly, to brandish it. A confrontational nature seems to go hand-in-hand with the acceptance of this kind of appearance, for better or worse. Luckily, our crack team of genetic researchers were ready with our state-of-the-art imaging technology and managed to come up with this...




*undeniable shock*

You can't argue with results people! Despite a strange resemblance to my Aunt Kathy, Miss Mary Alice Forever Name is now not only saved from an egregious hairstyle, but I can actually stand to look directly at her for long periods of time without feeling violent towards her! That's great, isn't it?! That is exactly what we try to get across here at BGYBO (pronounced Biggy-Bow). The fact is that it's not too late for these ladies, and the solution to their problem, to all their problems, is the simplest solution there is!

Don't do anything.

Stop punishing your hair simply for being there, stop going into the salon every two weeks to ensure the closest crop you can possibly maintain, stop being the way that you are because it is terribly, terribly wrong. Stop the severe, authoritarian, masochistic streak you are on, turn toward the light, leave your hair alone for a change and...




*cheers* *applause*

Good night, everyone.

---

I'll do a show about that thing Gwen Stefani does every now and then, once I figure out what it's called.