What I Did This Morning

Is that... is that three Christmas trees?


Is... is that like... like six or seven Christmas trees?


Do I have eight or nine Christmas trees?

No. No I do not.

...


I have thirteen Christmas trees.


Apparently, people were just leaving these things out on the side of the road! I mean... what the hell? You're just going to throw away a perfectly good Christmas tree? Just like that? The holiday's over, and you're immediately ready to move on? Nothing remains? Strip the festivities and get on with normal life?

You're all so ready to just abandon Christmas as soon as the day passes, like the Christmas spirit comes and goes accoring to a calendar. Well I defy your scroogish sensibilities, and while you were sleeping in on a lazy trash day, I was driving around thinking up fictitious charities I was collecting old trees for in case I was confronted by some angry homeowner wondering why someone who wasn't in a safety-orange work vest was collecting their "garbage."

Three trips, a local neighborhood, and the cracked rear signal light of an out-of-commission Camaro later, and I'm swimming in evergreens.


So guess what, Gritches (Grinches/Bitches)? I'm living in a fucking winter wonderland, and you're trudging into January with nary a spruce to show for it! I am the proud owner of my own personal forest! What will I do with it? Will I re-enact scenes from the Chronic(what)cles of Narnia? Will I create a large arboreal cushion to land on after a glorious yuletide-oriented leap from my second-floor roof? Will I dress up in my medieval garb and galavant amidst them, having secured them to the ground somehow with stakes and twine?

I just don't know!

I'll most likely end up using them as war camp enhancements, looking so rugged and naturally beautiful as they do, but until that becomes a necessity... the possibilities are limitless. Christmas trees are surprisingly light and extremely inconvenient if, say, piled around and on top of a friend's automobile before they need to leave for work. Not to mention the needle saturation that occurs upon attempting to alter their position in the slightest. Christmas trees are the gift that keeps on giving.

I finally got what I wanted for the holidays. A whole shitload of Christmas trees.

THIS IS THE BEST. CHRISTMAS. EVER!

...

EVER!