Gleaned from Today

The Chapman Education Business Department: A brood of grotesquely overweight women, behemoths who spend their days sitting on a pile of theoretical money, with nothing better to do to whittle away their monstrous existences than warily eyeing and proceeding to provide every possible pitfall in their little piggish imaginations for whoever would seek to claim their rightful share.

...

I thought my nose was whistling today in class. I experimented with it for a while, thinking it was because of blockage, but I noticed it only happened at the very apex of the inhale or the exhale. I didn't feel any passage closure at that moment, nor did I sense an intensifying of force of breath, and so, after trying for some time to figure out exactly what the hell was going on, I tried stopping altogether.

It was at this time that a shrill whistling noise began emanating from the guy next to me at regular intervals. I realized it wasn't me whistling when I breathed, but the guy next to me the entire time. Feeling more comfortable, I settled down into my normal state of sinal duress and, giving a powerful sniff I hoped would quiet any intermittent annoyances during class with one loud bother, let out a rather loud squeak from my nose.

I then realized that, yes, my nose was squeaking after all, as was the guy's next to me.

And then I realized that, without either of us knowing it, at some magical unintentionally synchronous moment, our noses were whistling in harmony.

You can't put a price on that.

...

The word literal, when referring to a figurative usage of a word, has lost its meaning within the flexibility of the English language. I can say "jump," meaning making both legs leave the ground... we all know that meaning of the word "jump." I can also use the word "jump" to mean moving quickly from one point to another of a certain object or perspective. Both definitions are correct uses of the word "jump." Now, if the object "jumping" (b) from point to point is actually "jumping" (a) as it moves from point to point, it can be said to be "literally" jumping from point to point. Does that suggest that one definition is false? That there is a "real" definition? Is there a default "literal" meaning for each word, or has literal just become another way of saying "grammatical play on words."

I despise the misuse of the word "literal." When I was a kid, my dad said that if the pound caught my dog, which had escaped, they would literally turn him into dog tacos. I was disgusted, not with the concept, but with the fact that my dad used the word like that. I remember being nine and saying, "Literally, dad? They'll really turn him into tacos?" and, after seeing how I was looking at him, he changed his story. I don't think he was trying to trick me, he was just misusing the word in a really ignorant way. I hate that.

Also, some little shit at work has been calling me, "such a white boy." And then, when I try to retort, he merely repeats the phrase, "You're being ignorant. You're being ignorant right now."

Idiots.

Some days, I wish I were never born. Others, I wish everyone else had never been born.