Evisceration

The Grudge

One of my main motivations for finally starting something like this, where I can go off on my own little individual tyraids as I see fit, was to have the opportunity to offer my angle (thinking it singular, if nothing else) on many of the films that come out. Being a film student/lover/buff/afficionado/worshipper, living in the time that I, as the rest of you, do, it affords me the opportunity to discuss some very important, I think, developments in the world of film art as a whole.

The Grudge was not one of those developments.

After seeing The Grudge, I felt almost obliged to start writing openly, not hidden away within myself, that I could at least attempt to illuminate someone, something other than myself as to why, o why, this was as bad as it was. For, without the proper attention and guidance, someone might unknowingly think they had just watched a good movie.

The Grudge's validity can be summed up in one phrase: If a film doesn't do what it sets out to do, it has failed. However, if a film does what it set out to do, that doesn't mean it necesarily succeeded.

Ol' Grudgie, as I have come to call the film and the main character (the one who doesn't slay vampires), is a remake of a Japanese horror film by the same director. That is to say, a Japanese director made a movie in Japan, then decided to make it again in America. But in Japan. What?

Fine. Let's not think too hard about that. In this, it does not fail. Far from it. Film has been said to never be finished, merely abandoned, and perhaps the purest manifestation of that theory is to completely redo a project, even if it is in the much more profitable international market with the hot young starlett at the helm.

Meh...

But no, we will not even hold this against the film. Yes, the casting seems to be a bit of a phone in. Let's throw Sarah Michelle Gellar in the mix because Jennifer Love Hewitt's cred has already been blown after "I Know What They Did That Time," and that's nothing to hold against either of them. Maybe next sequel you could snag Jennifer Jason Leigh or Tiffany-Amber Theissen or Tommy Lee Jones or any of the other tri-named tits floating around in the Hollywood ether. TOMMY'S STILL GOT SOME GOOD YEARS IN HIM. THROW THAT KID IN A HALTER TOP AND HAVE HIM RUN FROM A ZOMBIE, DAMN YOU!

Yeah, Tiffany-Amber Theissen. I said it.

Not that any of this is even that detrimental to the film. The glaring, gaping hole in the film's validity rests solely on its startling, undeniable, and relentless similarity to a little film you may have heard of called...

"The Pokemon Movie."

No. "The Grudge" is just "The Ring" redux. Seriously.

Startling, because you're amazed at either the stupidity or the lackadaisical japanese-scary-movie-utilitarianism the director seems to be riddled with; Undeniable, because you can't look at that spooky chick, who was drowned and now has all that stringy black hair in front of her face as she crawls erratically around on all fours (... jesus... just typing it...), without it envoking "The Ring." And there's something to be said about envocation in film, but not when it's blatant plagiarizing; and Relentless, because the film never stops reminding you that it is, in fact, ripping off "The Ring."

I saw this movie with my brother and a bunch of our friends. Usually, I'm not a big talker during movies, or at least I keep the people around me from talking so they don't miss out on my hilarious commentary. Throughout the entire length of "The Grudge," I could not stop myself from nudging my brother over and over again and muttering, "That's the girl from Ring... that's the mirror from Ring... that shot's from Ringu, which was the original Ring... this film was shot on the same immulsion as Ring..." etc.

I mean, it's one thing to do an American remake of a Japanese horror movie, especially if it's your own, but why would you want to do exactly what the other American remake of the Japanese horror movie did? Why would you not be confident enough in your own work to hope your own style, your own ideas, your own cinematography would connect with us idiot Americans? Why would you not get NEW PROPS?!

I guess I should be thankful that, during the security-camera-room-scene, she didn't actually come through the screen and give other-white-chick the Ring curse of the green-ass-face... but I'm just not. I could spend a few pages listing, LISTING the straight rip-offs that "Grudge" hopes to abscond away from "Ring" with... but I don't have the strength. Besides, that's not the important issue here. The issue here is this:

That was a fucking scary movie.

I'm not going to sit here and say I wasn't scared. I'm not going to say I didn't give a little yell every now and then, flinch every few seconds or so. I'm not going to say that, once I got home and my brother had gone to spend the night at his friend's, not wanting to be alone after the movie, and finding myself alone in a big house, I didn't just stand in the living room for a while, resisting the urge to look to either side. Didn't go and sit on my bed and read for a while, terrified to look up and see anything at all give the slightest inkling of movmement down the long, dark hall outside my door. Didn't tuck my blankets estra-special hard underneath my feet and legs to ensure nothing would... say... crawl up from the foot of the bed and perch horrifically on my chest while I looked to see what it was.

I'm not going to say that.

But the fact is this. People will walk away from these theaters, they'll leave these houses of art and cinema, saying, "Man, The Grudge was good. I was so scared." They are wrong.

"The Grudge," indeed, was a frightening film. A few parts in particular stick out for me, and haunt me to this day. I have trouble going into dark closets at work alone, lest I never be heard from again, after reaching out in the darkness for the lightswitch and finding only the slightly damp and tattered rags of a nightgown worn by a very angry and very ugly avenging spirit. Frightening, terrifying film. Good film? No. Sorry. No dice.

Now, "The Ring" was unforgiveable. The only times I was ever frightened in that movie were when I was startled by the violin trill and the sudden change of image on the screen, which could be counted on to occur at the crest of every swell on the soundtrack and every scene change, each of which could be predictably, and reliably, counted down to. "The Grudge," on the other hand, does have some honestly scary moments, but for the most part it's the same game. DuuuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHH BAM!!!!

Weak.

Perhaps the best thing I can say about "The Grudge" is that it succeeds in making you afraid of something that, should you even suspend your disbelief long enough to accept the rules of the universe they're presenting, could not logically affect you. In "The Ring," you have to see the video that the dead girl made (having gotten her AA in digital editing and producing, evidently (EVERY... STUDENT FILM... EVER.)) in order to be targeted and supernaturally "whacked." You also have to be home to recieve her phone call, otherwise you don't know when your window is, you miss the appointment, you have to reschedule your green-ass-face-ing... it's a pain. The audience technically saw the video, but they saw film OF the video... and who knows if that counts? I'll tell you who knows. Everyone who's still alive seven days after they see the movie. After that, you've won. Statute of limitations. At least Ring leaves you the option of being scared for a week. Living Dead Girl from "The Grudge" can't get you, won't get you, unless you go in her house. Very, very specific stuff. I know I've never been in her damn house. In fact, I've been in very few houses that aren't intimately familiar to me lately, if any at all. And I know for a fact there are people who live in those houses routinely. Yet still, "The Grudge" managed to scare me more than "The Ring." Maybe shady real estate scares me more than telemarketers.

In any case, even this glimmer of hope in the dark, clouded, clogged-up sink of death that is "The Grudge" is not enough to save it. Yes, it's scary. Yes, if you're just out to see a scary movie, it'll suffice. But good movie it isn't. And good movie you should not purport it to be. Proclaim proudly, my picture-show praisers, "Yes, it was scary, but it wasn't that good!"

Ah. I feel cleansed. Go forth, and spread our message of "The Grudge"'s mediocrity. Remember, in art, as it is in life, there is no partial credit.


Yeah. Tiffany-Amber Theissen. From "Saved by the Bell." So what?